All the Signs

All the Signs

Being that I pride myself in having a good understanding of the male species, one would think that I’d catch on to things fairly quickly.  That definitely was not the case in this 2 month story.

I recently had an experience where this “young” man, had many of the bells and whistles one looks for. I hate to stereotype but he initially was not my cup of tea but grew on me. His demeanor was one that made me lift an eyebrow; humble towards his appearance was not something he was. Glorified his self as the best in everything and of course was a “catch” for the next single woman.

I of course always brush off the things people say in the beginning of courtship.

Remember – It’s like you’re in a retail store, the sales associate views you as the goal and will do anything to get the “sale”.

However, as I encourage everyone to do, know what you like, don’t fall for the gimmicks and you should be able to make wise decisions; Wise being the keyword.

It took us 2 weeks to decide to go on a date: date 1 was fun, a bit of chemistry but something was off.

It took me almost 3 weeks to get to date 2! Mind you, I spoke to this individual pretty frequently. The official excuse was work, work and work. Being that my schedule at times is a little tight, of course I understood. Date 2 and 3 were a little weird, I felt as I did back in High School. Superficial, substance- less conversation and again something was off.

Mother always said, “Listen with your instincts”.

After Date 3, my instincts were raging, screaming at me in a way and I had to step back and re-play everything I described.

Long pauses between dates: When and IF a man is wholeheartedly interested in you, nothing will stop him from seeing you again. He’ll either be very communicative with you about his unruly schedule or work it out. Point blank.

Routines: Be wary of them. When you notice that you’re falling quickly into a pattern or trend, now is the time to question it.

Nonchalant guilt: This occurs when someone is exhibiting unusual behaviors but brushes off said behavior.  If we realize someone is doing this and we “ignore” or “excuse” them, we are just as guilty.

I realized we were in a routine, routines are good but not in the courtship timeframe. I took my advice and I was honest with him. I asked directly and sternly.

When you incorporate honesty, pure honesty in your conversations with someone, your question will initiate an honest reaction.

His reaction was one that I was not satisfied with.

I believe that in order for anything to work effectively, you have to be content with the decisions of your partner. Partnership is built on mutual agreement. If I have a problem with said routine then what can we do to fix to it. Suggestions were never offered. Action had to be taken.

Now here we are, I have another topic to discuss and another lesson learned.

For me and for anyone reading this, take the signs, read them, do as they direct you to and move on when you should. Staying longer, excusing behavior you would not exhibit yourself and accepting the lack of respect you receive is not the purpose of these blogs.

Every day I have the opportunity to do better, to take my lessons learned from yesterday and to not allow them to happen again.

Practice, repeat and change.

The outcome you desire will soon come.

_________________________________________________

Love & Light

J.Love 2391

The Call

The Call

How many times have you answered the phone to the sound of your ex on the other line? Better asked, how many times have you heard your ex’s voice and wondered, “what the hell are you doing calling me?!”

It happens to me all too often, where I’ve finally stopped thinking of someone daily, replaying our relationship over,  picking the details apart with a fine tooth comb and I’ve finally stopped hearing their ringtone every time my phone rung….

And of course, to my luck and I’m certain there’s a few people out there who can relate, the phone rings and it’s you!  What should you do at this point? Act as though nothing? As if this is completely normal? Ask questions?

To me this whole scenario is similar to walking into a field of landmines with a blindfold on.

It’s….. “it’s so exciting!”

What have I done when I hear that person calling? All of the above in a 5 minute window, it’s like I get diarrhea of the mouth! I know you’ve experienced that before.

To my defense it only happens once in a blue moon! (Any of my past lovers reading this should feel special right about now)

For those of you wondering, what happens during those 5 minutes of torture for both parties, here it is, in a nutshell:

Excitement, fear, worry, anger, more excitement, horny-ness, a little bit more anger and to top it off, memory loss.

We get excited because we genuinely miss the conversations once held, we fear of losing that again, we worry about the purpose of the call, we get angry because we’re experiencing of all these feelings, do I really need to explain the horny part? Okay, moving on, and back to angry…. Angry because again, we realize we just word vomited all over you.  We realized that this person who may have left your life abruptly, rudely, wrongfully, hurtfully and a million other ways, is calling again! Out of nowhere! Where the hell did you come from?! I forgot the most important feeling, shocked!

So I want to switch gears really quickly, because I recently noticed that I’m completely guilty of being that random ex-girlfriend caller! Yup, Guilty as charged!

Here I am driving on the highway, whistling dixie, popping bubble gum and staring at myself in the mirror and all of a sudden something reminds me of “him”! The moment is so innocent, it happens so fast, it’s like a mental attack, I’ve lost all control and I call you!

“Hey what’s up stranger!?”

Now that I hear myself replaying this, I sound so pathetic!

That “thing” that reminded me of you, didn’t remind me of how I made you feel, how you made me feel the last time we spoke, what’s happened since then, I completely draw a blank….It isn’t that I forgot all of these things, I don’t want to think about that, I just want to go back to that happy place for just one minute.

You answer the phone, kind of confused, I have no real reason why I’m calling you and here comes the rainstorm of questions! Kindly known as “diarrhea of the mouth”.

I would think that one would know how to handle the situation given that chances are you’ve played both roles but that pesky little thing called memory loss kicks in! 

It really is indescribable what it feels like when you’re in both positions.

I know for me, in both positions, honesty would be the best policy, but it’s so hard to knowingly ruin a moment, when you can easily ignore the truth and carry on with a fairytale moment, even if it doesn’t last long.

My advice to you, before you pick up the phone, think about the purpose of you opening your mouth, think about why you’re really calling because whether you want to believe it or not, you’re opening up a can of worms that you probably did not want to open. 

If you need to hear that person’s voice, don’t be selfish, after you’ve hung up the phone the other person could be hurting all over again just because you could not control yourself. 

If you receive that call, proceed with caution, ask the necessary questions needed in order to get a better understanding of the situation and most importantly don’t allow memory loss to cloud your judgment!

I can’t change the world but if I can change the way one person handles a situation to avoid hurting someone else, then I have to always be honest with myself and you.

Minor changes make a world of a difference!

___________________________________________________

Love & Light

J.Love 1934

To the One I Love - Open Letter

To the One I Love
To the One I Lost

To the One who showed me what LOVE was.....

To the One who hurt me
To the One who let me go

To the One I will always think of...

To the One I dream of
To the One who haunts me

To the One who I must let go

To the One who showed me:

What I need.
What I want.
and most importantly
What I deserve

Because of you:

My pain exposed my true value
My tears turned to strength
My heart will not be fooled
My faith will lead me; to THE one who will not love as you do.

It all starts with a glance....

I was asked to write about my thoughts on a new or shall I say blossoming relationship. Since I speak from truth, experience and pain..Here is my view....

In this day and age it is so hard to meet single people but when you do it's even harder to determine what kind of single person they are.

Are they the "Looking for Love & I'm Ready Single"
Are they the "Looking for Some Physical Action Single"
Are they the "Commitment Phoebe Single"
Are they the "Looking for Love BUT I Have A LOT of Baggage That WON'T Allow Me to Love Single"
Are they the "Not Interested Single"

There are quite a few categories for single people.. The first step is figuring out which category YOU fall into.. You may think that you are ready to engage in a relationship but you really aren't OR you may think that you're not interested in love but someone just captures your attention....and well.... when that happens, it's all about honesty.

When you first meet someone you really have to listen to what they're saying, I know what you're thinking... All  women over analyze everything, this is true, but we also don't analyze the things we should.. Especially when we first meet someone. In the first few minutes of meeting someone most of us think, "Is he the man I'm going to marry? What will our kids look like? I wonder if he snores? What if he's a bad kisser? What if!"

We take ourselves through this journey in our mind  that we shouldn't! Which sometimes makes us run the other way without even knowing any hardcore facts! The only journey we should be on is the one which is facing us.. Which is that cutie you met!

So you talk to them, think about all the reasons why they're great for you but in this moment is where we lose ourselves, where we forget our bottom lines, our can't haves, our relationship morals, our self worth and value system..Where we forget about the things we learned from our past experiences and where we should try to not make the same mistakes.

This is the moment where we begin to accept the things that we shouldn't.
Why?
Because we don't want to lose what we "may" have with this stranger! We want so badly, ALL of us single people to find the ONE! Most of the times we overlook the person who is right for us because we are to busy making exceptions for the things we shouldn't.

I'll give you a personal example:

I met this guy once..
Issue 1 - I broke my promise to never meet a guy in a bar/club setting...
Issue 2 - He lived VERY far away...
Issue 3 - I forgot ALL of my rules...(By rules I mean my standards, my must haves & can't stands)

So initially, we had an amazing time together, I went through all the scenarios in my head (We had a huge house, I was a cute little housewife, with 3 kids, a dog and a weekly shopping allowance!) We "decided" to make things work even though the odds were against us.

Not to long after things went sour, I'll keep the details private but I think it was sad for the both of us...

The issue at hand was not all of the issues I listed above but we both were not LISTENING to what the other was saying, I wanted the weekly allowance & dog, He wanted his career and we both ignored those BIG factors that ultimately would pump the breaks on any relationship...We wanted two different things in present day. Even though all of these wishes were constantly spoken about but we chose to ignore them, because we as human beings want to love so badly and want to feel wanted that we'll go along with whatever is thrown our way, hoping to get to that happy ending...

Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with anything that I did, you've done, or what we both will do..

We just have to learn to listen, listen real hard when someone is telling you about how they feel and what they want. You'll be able to better gage their REAL compatibility with you and not just what your heart wants for you. You and the present may want the same in the future but it may not be enough to get you there in one piece...

They say lead with your heart but we need to use our intelligence as well..

So the moral of the story is:

Learn yourself first
Learn your potential partner
Build on a solid foundation
Create your future together as one

It all starts with a glance but it always ends with one too. We just have to control how that final glance is given.

Love & Light

J.Love

Beauty and…..The single life?

Ahh…(Deep sigh) Only the lord knows how often I am asked “ Why are you so beautiful  and you’re single?”  I really need to get an empty office water cooler bottle(LOL) and put a nickel in their every time I hear this, maybe this will help me save money! Good idea Jenn. 

“Why hasn’t anyone taken you off the market?” 

And he followed up with….”What’s wrong with you?” LOL and No, I did not get offended but it made me think!  And a lot of times I refer to my rolodex( in my head) of quotes because I need some sort of guidance and sometimes my friends aren’t the great philosophers I need them to be.. So I stopped at an Albert Einstein Quote:

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Eureka! I thought to myself! I’m insane that’s why!

So I thought about all of the common things that I do.  I try to be captain save a hoe.  I try to date people I’m not attracted to and hope I’ll learn to love them.  I’ll try to love someone who doesn’t want to be loved.  But why?

Is something wrong with my self esteem?!!?? Is this my form of sabotaging a potential relationship! I don’t know but one thing I learned was I have to identify what I look for first.  Thanks  Aristotle -  “Well begun is half done.”  

Second thing I needed to do was to ask myself “Am I that retarded that I continue to do the same thing over and over again and I never notice?!”  Perhaps! But in my defense =) each of my experiences have all been the same but with very different “Twist”.

Majority of the men I go for are the “Commitment phoebes” The challenge does something to me. Hearing someone tell me, they like me but, they love being single, entices me! (P.S. I think men know what they are doing when they say this: BEWARE) Again in my defense, I’m pretty sure right before I met each of these lovely men I was sitting on a couch somewhere watching lifetime, with a cup of tea, my hair in shambles and thinking “Oh my god..This could totally be me” I always thought that would be the best wedding speech!

“My dearest Jennifer, Oh when I met you, I wanted nothing more than to be selfish, lonely, and a bachelor forever…But then you came along and you changed my whole life….( praises me)…oh you’re so beautiful,(more praises), thank you for changing my mind…I love you”  The crowd goes wild with cheers and happiness…..and off into the sunset we go to live this happy life….

BUT as always… (deep sigh) It doesn’t happen like that!

Instead I’m investing time into someone who clearly just wants the companionship but not the commitment, someone who is really not what I need or want in life. We women always describe the same thing; you know what it is… Our needs, our wants, our description of a man are generally all the same but obviously we all can’t have the same man, Angelina Jolie has him. Self sabotage again!

It is easy for us to say what we want, but when someone appears before us who at first is different then what we expect we give them the boot!  We won’t even know if this person was someone who would be great for us. We set expectations and limitations for ourselves but we are not brave enough to go to the unknown. Majority of us are all insane!  We go for the same guy over and over again thinking the outcome will be better…

One day I remember having what I thought to be a deep conversation with a person, and I asked “ I can tell you have a wall up, Do you want someone to break it down?” What a great question that is to ask, write that down for future reference.  Anywho, he never formally answered, but I ignored it, I psyched myself out to think otherwise, when all along he did answer.  Sometimes actions do speak louder than words but we have to choose to listen to them.

Some people can have a wall up, that is fine. The question is do they really want someone to break it down? Some people like where they are.

In everyone’s defense I really do believe knowingly hurting someone isn’t our first choice, but not letting someone know how you really feel is worse. 

Settling:  What a lot of us single folks do. 

A lot of relationships fail because we go into them settling, trying to build something off of a foundation that was NEVER stable to begin with. 

Expectations: Setting yourself up for failure, when you expect less you receive more. Obviously this refers to outlandish expectations.  Example: a 4 karat ring when you have a $100 budget.

Learn how and when to use both of those actions accurately.

Next time this beauty jumps into something I will:

•   Be honest with my needs
• Be respectful of the other person
•  Accept the truth of the matter
• Not only hear what the other person is saying but LISTEN
•  I will not expect a marriage proposal on my 2^nd date. I’ll just enjoy every moment to the fullest
• I will not settle nor will I allow someone to settle just for me…( If I’m not a good match )

Homework for your next date: Just relax, enjoy the company, be honest and don’t be afraid of change.

______________________________________________________

Love and Light!

Jenny Love!

The Wind Beneath my wings (But it’s windless out).

The Wind Beneath my wings (But it’s windless out).

“Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings”

Oh Love, how beautiful the sounds… Especially back in 1982 when this lovely song brought joy, meaning, passion, and everything else to the day to day relationship in that era.

I wonder how many couples danced to this at their wedding? Or dedicated this song to their first love? Or how many women heard this song and thought about that loser, I mean their current dream guy and thought, “This is how he makes me feel”….PS..I am guilty of the above.

Well the answer to those questions are, A LOT! A lot of people listen to these songs, especially during a vulnerable moment and they sound good, but what do they really mean?

Here is my disclaimer:: The following statement/opinions made are completely MY OPINION! It is neither to reflect negativity against the above mentioned song nor to make you stop listening to these sappy loves songs! The point is to get you to realize reality. Go back to my first blog and reread. If you have a problem with this, ask yourself “why so complicated?”

Back to me breaking down some of these lyrics:

Wait! First I will start off with a giving an analogy, the analogy reflects the basis of this entire topic:
Everyone knows of these 2, this is the only reason WHY I am using this…..

Drum Roll please……………….

The Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy Love Story of:  SAMMIE AND RON!!!! Can I get a Fist pump please??!!!???   (PS..Get that Kanye Album)

Can someone please google if birds can fly without wind? LOL. I know. The answer is yes! 
So why the crackerjacks would you think you need another person to do something? Why is music promoting this? Why is Sammie putting up with Ron? Why is Ron crying like an infant out the womb after verbally abusing the hell out of Sam?

The answer, in my opinion is, we again continue to listen to what we are told about love, we continue to go against our better judgment and do as we see. We are a product of our society. 

Our Divorce rates are estimated between 40 – 50%. 1 in every 4 women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.Too sad!!!!!

I think the most common question we ask when it comes to any sort of abuse, is why does the victim stay in this predicament, (because this does not define a relationship)?

A lot of answers come to one’s mind but in MY opinion we really accept these things because we believe in the dreams we are sold. We believe we cannot be alone. We believe we need another person to achieve our goals. We are afraid of not being loved. We need to be able to feel those butterflies when that new Usher hit comes on the radio, even if our relationship is a façade. 

Ok, I know that was deep!  I BELIEVE this has truth to it…

Every so often we hear some women/men empowering entertainment. Majority of the time it is a break up song, we really do not motivate one another positively. 

A friend of mine mentioned insecurities or a self esteem issues comes with accepting this sort of behavior. OR the person who inflicts this behavior is suffering from a one of the two mentioned issues. I really think it’s a 50/50 thing.

How does someone come across thinking they need wind beneath their wings to fly?

Exactly.

Let’s learn to be self sufficient.

Let’s learn to respect one another.

And most importantly let’s learn how to love right.
_____________________________________________________________

Love and Light to All!


Jenny Love!

Why Soooooo Complicated?

I often think to myself, why so complicated? I find that I ask myself that question periodically throughout the day and to the most randomest things ( Yes, I make words up). It always seems that I come across the most pretentious situations, where I am forced to reconsider my judgment(although I know I am right)! I even found myself creating a forum where I post questions and have my friends give me their thoughts. I figure this is the easiest and cheapest way ( without seeing a shrink) to really see if my perception really is my reality or if my reality is a skewed as I think.

One of my favorite topics are Relationships!

Since I could remember, even up to now, I always and will forever believe in fairytales.. Along my, what feels like long journey through the jungles of love, I have come to realize that not everyone is guaranteed a "Happily Ever After"  For the most part, a lot of individuals will have a happy few months and/or years. After the initial honey moon stage is over, it seems someone in the relationship goes stir crazy, as if they have been hit with some sort of "act crazy" lightning bolt!

Have you ever asked someone why their relationship failed?

If you pay close attention and learn to connect the dots in this dating conspiracy, you'll quickly learn that 88.7% of people will give you the same answer..Perhaps verbalized differently but in all actuality, it equates to the same thing.

Have you ever asked a happily married couple what is their "secret"?

I am certain you got a response that included " It takes hard work" " we listen to each other" blah blah blah... Guess what readers? It isn't a secret if you hear it once or continuously.

The problem is not, not knowing what to do but it's YOU.

My "hunch" is that it is easier for us to sabotage a good thing versus trying to elongate our happiness. Society reacts more towards misery, sadness and dismay versus all that is positive.
Ever notice when you break up with someone, a million people have the same question to ask over and over again? for months nonetheless. Even when you are finally over your past relationship, there is always that one person who has to bring it up again..... I know this is a culmination of other things and my paranoia that leads me to believe that this, in some way is a form of torture.

Fine - Go ahead and think that it isn't a big deal but I guarantee you that right after you are done with that innocent conversation you welcome yourself to " Daydream Land" and thoughts of your ex float around all day and their voice whispers in your ear.... Thank Society for that!
On the contrary, lets pretend you are in this happy relationship and all you see is cotton candy and rainbows all the time. How often does someone really pry into your relationship? Maybe one or two questions but the point of the matter is, if you are happy, NO ONE really cares! I'm sorry, yes, yes, I'm not being nice, I know! But again being nice isn't going to help you. If we continue to lie to one another then we will continue to get the same negative outcomes and this my friends is a form of INSANITY!

So think of my blogs as free therapy for the poor man...

 Why so complicated?

We "have" to be complicated to get the reaction our ego's wish for! Point Blank. It is an innocent form of sabotage.

A great example that I can give. A good friend of mine, who once was a love interest, I remember gave me all these words and phrases that I "shouldn't" use. I believe the reason he gave me went something like " these words make me uncomfortable"
In "Lust Land" you make excuses and laugh off many things (I think this is another form of insanity) but when you come back to reality his unnecessary insecurities were a form of complication .

Let's break it down:

If you say something he doesn't like, well then you broke one of the rules of your "engagement" and now he has an out....He may not immediately break away from you but that little thing you said lingers around.
Now you see how easy it is to complicate things without even knowing that someone is complicating the situation?

Honesty is non existent in reality.

Honesty has taken a new form of deception sugar coated with candy kisses and a good lay. There is where we fail to live in reality and when "Lust Land" is highly occupied with desperate souls.

When did being honest with someone become a crime, or better yet when did being honest become a cliche? Who woke up one day and said " You know what,I prefer to keep my emotions to myself and let this person run with their thoughts" ?

Why are YOU soo complicated?

I'll leave you with this:: Learn not to question the unexplainable but learn to love it. -JL

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Future blogs to follow up::

Love and Light!

Jenny Love